How to fake out the fireworks finale

June 30, 2009

By Sarelyn Radecke

So, the Fourth of July is in a few days. We, as Americans, love this holiday; it’s our day to eat potato salad and hot dogs, adorn ourselves in the colors of the American flag, and blow things up (legal fireworks, of course).

Whenever I watch fireworks, figuring out which series is the grand finale is kind of a game to me.

I remember, a few years ago on the Fourth of July, I couldn’t tell when the finale was. It was one of those fireworks shows where every explosion was big and seemed to outdo the previous explosion of color.

The show reached a point where the fireworks were constant; I figured that it must be the grand finale!

After it was “over,” I clapped and clapped and started to move around and get my belongings together. I stood up, heard a “bang,” turned around and watched in horror as one of those puny screaming fireworks weaseled its way into the air.

I sat back down, red with embarrassment as the show continued. Fireworks went off for about another 15 minutes.

Then came a slew of fireworks so close together and so loud – I knew it had to be the finale. I stood up and clapped – and sat back down in total and utter shame when another firework exploded.

This show was just…deceptive! I honestly could not identify the finale.

By that time, whenever a firework went off, I clapped. Then, the finale ended up being just one little firework. Whoo!

I learned my lesson. Now, I just kind of…twitch whenever a firework explodes.

That way, if it does happen to be the finale, I can smoothly integrate a clap into my twitch.

If it’s not the finale, I can just play the “Oh, my stars and garters! Well, that one was certainly loud!” card while placing a hand on my chest and nervously laughing into the smoke-filled distance. Win-win either way.

I actually think it’s pretty impressive how much more advanced fireworks have become over the years.

I mean, when fireworks first were invented, they just blew up…that was pretty cool.

Then, a few years later, the sound factor was added with those infamous “screaming fireworks.”

Do you know what I really want? Firework TiVo.

I actually wouldn’t be surprised if that were the new level of fireworks.

You walk into your local park to watch some fireworks, blankets and popcorn in tow, and you get handed a brightly-colored remote.

“Well, what’s this?” You ask.

“Firework TiVo!”

You can pause it, turn the volume down, adjust the brightness, fast forward to the end (cheater) and rewind back so that way you know where the finale is…

I hope everyone has a safe Fourth of July.

Remember, play it extra safe and twitch after every firework.